Children can not escape their own parents

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“Children can not escape their own parents. Blindness makes it possible to survive. This leads to repetition of cycles of cruelty.

To break through this vicious cycle we need to understand that so-called love cannot survive abuse, deception, and exploitation without seeking new victims. And if it requires new victims, it is no longer love but at best the longing for love. Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness.” -Alice Miller

I was able to catch myself early on and realise the cycles that I had the capacity of repeating with others. At the same time I turned the cruelty inwards. I have spent years repeating the misery within myself. “You are a failure. I love you, but don’t like you. You will never be anything. You don’t have the intelligence to survive. You are too fat.” Even up until recently I would still feel anxiety over not being supported, cared for, nurtured or protected. This misery has been in my speech, my thoughts, my actions; everything I would do was a reaction to the misery that was put there by my parents.

I was able to escape physically; put the Pacific Ocean between us. The blood family still haunted their own miserable echo in my mind. It was not until I completely cut off all contact that the true healing began. When I could finally separate my personal thoughts from the parents, awareness came flooding in to decimate my mind. Awareness of behaviours and patterns. I practiced blindness to survive.

I don’t want to be in a high stress survival mode. I can feel what the parents did to me and I am not defenceless anymore!

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Patterns of the mind

Patterns of the mind

Anthony Grim Hall originally posted this photo.

The mind/brain is like a muscle, you have to work it, feed it and guide it. It’s not something that is just there on top of your shoulders. The mind can take you to your goals or it can make you miserable. Most of us humans don’t even have the awareness that our minds have been controlled since birth by parents, society, culture, traditions, advertising agencies and governments. Take your mind back and use it! It is yours to wield. Not for some institutionalised organisation to use for their benefit.

The mind forms behaviours and habits. All it takes is one unchecked thought to start the rewiring process; for positive change or for oppression. In reality it seems like many humans are allowing this seemingly uncontrollable mental rants control their lives. Patterns are started by thought. It is those patterns that cause human suffering.

Guiding the mind to a more aware state begins on the mat. Each day we begin by inhaling reaching our arms up, exhale forward bend. Is it possible to just listen and observe what the mind does with out acting on it? Can we replace thoughts of wanting a quick return to thoughts of mindless patience, nurturing care and gratitude to thy self?

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Develop Awareness

Develop Awareness

“As we reach deeper states of awareness, we will be able to detect subtler and subtler sensations or vibrations of greater rapidity, arising and passing with greater speed. In these deep states, our mind will become so calm, so tranquil, so pure, that we will immediately recognise any impurity accompanying the agitated state and make the choice to refrain from reacting adversely. It becomes clear to us that we can’t harm anybody without first defiling ourselves with emotions like hate or anger or lust. If we do this, we will come to an experiential understanding of the deep truth of impermanence. As we observe sensations without reacting to them, the impurities in our minds lose strength.” -Tricycle Teachings, Body in Practice

Sensations are not black and white. If you can not feel, hear or smell, that does not mean it’s not there or it doesn’t exist. Our senses act like filters for the brain and nerve center so they don’t burn out like a fuse. When we can train the mind to focus on one situation at a time it becomes quiet. When the mind is under control we can handle the little glimpses of what’s hiding behind the senses.

We can sense the sound vibration through out a valley when lightning cracks open the sky. For me this awareness of subtle sensations comes through like a memory. When thunder sound waves ripple through the earth, I can feel them coming. It’s not a physical body feel at first. It comes through like a remembering of a thought or an emotion.

An agitated mind equals misery. There is no way around the misery if the mind is agitated. For most of us the emotion comes on or the miserable thoughts start to come and we don’t even know why it is happening or how. We don’t have that awareness. For most, we express anger, fear or emotional sadness when the mind is agitated and that’s as far as we get. There is a whole Universe filled with joy we just need to be willing to take responsibility for getting it. No one else will give you happiness. You can share a moment with someone but it is truly up to you to bring joy into your daily life.

You don’t have to call it meditation. Mental exercises, concentration games or sitting is the same as meditation. Change your mind about it, sit and be with yourself and make a change toward your happiness.

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Meditation: The brain doesn’t lie

Meditation:  The brain doesn't lie

There is nothing like meditating in a country where everyone else is meditating all around you. They wake up just like you, early in the morning, 5am. They greet the morning in silence with you. The whole country, all these humans sitting silently, mostly in private. Are they merging with a higher consciousness with you? Are they the same as me? It’s the left hemisphere that tells you you are separate from them. But you are not. They are you and you are they. You merge together to form a 3rd brain.

This morning’s merging was full of distracting mosquitoes happily buzzing my ear. It’s the hunger buzz brought by all the fresh rain. Can I merge with the mosquitoes as well? Honestly my mind had some blocks built up preventing the merging of human and mosquito mind. I felt as if I had become the buzz. Not a melting of minds but an observation. The mind tried it’s best to reach into the depths of my breath. The quiet darkness there is very comforting. Like a metronome, my mind flicked back and forth between complete bliss and anxiety caused by the mosquitoes voracious appetite.

If we look at the brain as part of the body (seems so simple), it doesn’t lie. It shows us the state that we are in. It’s like a barometer of mental weather. The tropical storms of the mind directly effect the body and the ability to complete your goals in life. By sitting quietly we can observe this gale force wind and practice compassion for ourselves. Yes, compassion for ourselves. The mind will always buzz like the mosquito. That is what it is meant to do. Can you start to bring your own truth to the front of your mind? The body as a whole system will not lie to you.

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Purple for health

Purple for health

Blend for clean energy boost:
dragon fruit
lemon juice
pomegranate
apple juice
1 heaping tsp. spirulina

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Walking Serbia

Walking Serbia

The gorge is the entrance
Old growth elm tethering themselves down on the steep sides
There is a village that has no where to go but up. Asphalt paved right up to the stone apartment walls

Death and nazi treachery still could be heard on the wind. Folks tried to hide in this ecosystem only to have dogs sniff them out and bullets lay them to rest.

Grandpa remembers

We found this bridge. It looked inviting after pushing 25 K up hill all day and needing a camp site. We found one carved out way above the water line. In the morning grandpa came out of no where, from the forest above (this happens all the time here). He seemed to remember a time when the river swelled up so high it took this landing we called camp -out

The whole walk through this gorge was plagued by reminders of death by car accident. There were some points where there was a tomb stone every 10 meters.

Sleeping outside in primordial ecosystems can not be explained. It should be experienced.

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Feet are the vehicle

Feet are the vehicle

These are my feet tucked into booties that Granny made and sells in the market.
I can imagine dancers across the cold lands wearing their own version of Granny’s craft.

My feet have become soft. I want them to accompany me on a project. They need to be strong again to move me, carry me and inspire me.

The process begins
At the ballet barre who also works as a table as it’s side job

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