Suppression of Natural Responses

Album cover by LA DANSE DU CHIEN

“As a child I learned to suppress my entirely natural responses to the injuries inflicted on me, responses like rage, anger, fear and pain. Otherwise I would have been punished.” –Dr. Alice Miller

Writing out my response is hindered by the inherent feeling of ‘I’m going to be punished, maybe murdered this time”. Of course I don’t fully form these thoughts but my body does. My body has been in a constant state of panic for over 35 years.

I can recall the most brutal and horrific situations of my childhood but most of it is veiled. All the royal freak-outs I would have as a teenager and adult were uncontrollable, sometimes ending with violence. I thought they happened because there was something wrong with me. No emotion for weeks and months then an explosion in Solar Flare proportions of mass anger, rage, fear, anxiety and sadness would hit. There is no talking this force down. The whole while the intelligence within me has been shut. Dulling of the mind and instant memory loss. The physical heart and chest feel like you are slowly pushing a fiery hot point through. My entire body hurts.

I need to be able to respond to my injuries in an appropriate way. I need to engage with my emotions in a kind and safe environment, so that I can take my bearings from the feelings I actually have, rather than fearing them.

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